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However, I do not get a hint of in the equation. Authority without is not a good mix. How was DH raised? Let me guess, was his dad a strict diciplinarian and did not show his emotions? Why hasn't DH had? You'd think he'd like some, especially being a coach?
DH doesn't want to go to counseling because he is not willing to change. Your therapist seems to have given that revelation.
What to do now? What does your ex say about the situation? Do you and DH have a close family relation that he respects and listen to? Does DH have a church elder or someone to mentor him on softening his heart, and growing some.
Need to balance out the discipline. Chaning rules mid-stream not cool.
Waiting a month to be paid is an eternity for a pre-teen. You and DH need to re-visit the rules right away. Write out the rules, including when payment be given, and what success looks like.
What is a "demerit" as in sloppy job. You want to show your how to succeed. Right now he'd feel like there is no winning with the DH. Also in the rules, how much "fun time" the DH spend with the step, what is it supposed to be like after school, etc.
What does and compassion look like? Finally, is it time for your to live with his dad?
Is your ex a good dad? Does your want to live with his father? Good luck, I you can find a better balance so the boy doesn't fully rebel against you both.
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